Sentinel Fan Fiction Page || Fanfic -- Missing Scenes Collection

Summary: Epilogue to Sentinel Too, part 2. Spoilers for Sentinel Too, parts 1 & 2.

This is a short aftermath story for Sentinel Too, part 2, when Jim and Blair return to Cascade after the episode. It's for everyone who wished for a hug and some more resolution. I really loved a lot of things about the episode, but this scene helped me achieve closure and gave me a wonderful H/C opportunity to explore Jim and Blair's friendship. I was somewhat unsure about posting this, because missing scenes have never been my forte and so many authors have already written wonderful endings, and also I've never written anything from this POV, but it seemed to work. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you to Becky and Shiloh for your friendship and encouragement.

epilogue for Sentinel Too, part Two
by Robyn
February 1999

Moonlight streams through the balcony windows of the cold, darkened loft, casting strange shadows among the furniture, boxes, and rolled up rugs strewn about the living room. It lends an unearthly illumination to my image as I sit motionless on the edge of the sofa positioned in the center of the room. My back is to the door and I face the wall of windows. I am alone.

I sit silently, much as I did for most of the trip home from Sierra Verde. Conflicting thoughts swirl about my mind, taunting me with a myriad of emotions, but each time I go over the events of the recent past and try to make sense of them, they whirl faster and faster into a paradox I don't think I can ever solve.

I hated Alex for killing Blair, yet I felt this connection to her I couldn't resist. I cared more about redeeming another sentinel than repairing the breach of trust with my best friend. I threw Blair out of my life, rejected his pleas to work things out. I betrayed him while accusing him of betraying me. I remember my last words to him, and they were beyond cruel. And after all that, I let him die, and then I pretended that bringing him back was enough.

I will have to live the rest of my life knowing my best friend was killed because of me.

Right now my guilt presses so heavily upon my heart, it threatens to suffocate me. Now that would be justice, I think. I deserve to die.

Three floors down, I hear voices calling good-byes, and Simon's car finally pulling away from the curb. I feel the intimate vibrations of my friend's footsteps moving down the hall, then the quiet whoosh of air against my skin as the door opens, then closes with a snick. I close my eyes, sensing Blair's arrival with greater acuity than ever before, feeling my partner's essence carried to me on the wings of the small current of air. Everything seems heightened since my experience in sensory tank, but this goes beyond what happened in that ancient grotto. Blair has returned to the place I banished him from, choosing to fill the loft once again with his presence, even though I couldn't have blamed him had he chosen otherwise.

My eyes still closed, I realize Blair hasn't moved from the door, though I hear him set his bag down on the floor beside him. What's he waiting for? I ask myself. The all-to-familiar emotion of fear fills me as I wonder whether Blair is reconsidering his decision to return and everything it will mean for him. For us.

The stillness seems to continue forever. Then, just when I think my heart will break, I feel Blair move toward me, stopping to stand behind me where I sit. He touches me gently on the shoulder, allowing his hand to linger there. He says nothing -- just lets his fingers and palm rest on me, prolonging the tactile contact in a way only Blair Sandburg, the guide, could do for me.

I respond to my friend's wordless eloquence, trembling a little at its meaning. Blair's touch somehow gives me the courage to finally lower the walls inside myself which enabled me to remain silent and stoic up to now. Guilt rises up within me and forms wave after wave to crash painfully upon me, and I have no defense against it -- except him. My eyes fill, and soon my face feels wet as a tear escapes the corner of my eye, leaving a glistening trail in its wake. Only half-aware that Blair has tightened his grasp on my shoulder, I draw a deep, ragged breath and exhale slowly. Though I don't know how, I manage to find a hoarse voice with which to speak. "Blair..." I begin, my voice a pathetic crack. "I... I'm sorry," I whisper brokenly.

No answer comes for several moments. Then, finally, Blair speaks. "For what, Jim?" he replies calmly in a soft, low voice. "For shutting me out? For caring more about Alex than me?" I hear no malice in his voice; just simple matter-of-fact honesty. He pauses, then continues quietly.

"For letting me die?"

My head bowed, I swallow and nod, acknowledging the question. He knows. The tears flow freely for me now -- a strange sensation I haven't felt in forever. "Why didn't you give up?" I ask, choking back a sob. "Why did you come back? I never told you I was sorry for everything I did -- to you -- to us..." I trail off, unable to go on.

Gracefully, Blair moves around the couch and sits down beside me, still managing to maintain physical contact with me. Gently, he reaches up and touches my face with one hand, wiping away a tear with his thumb, then lifting my face up so our eyes meet. "Shhh," he murmurs. "I've already forgiven you."

Comprehension hits me at once, as I realize that's why he didn't abandon me even when I proved myself unworthy of trust and friendship -- why he went the entire trip without seeming angry at me. He was concerned, yes, but not angry or hateful. He forgave you, Ellison, even though you never apologized to him. I look into his eyes and know he's telling the truth. Though I'm not surprised at his revelation, I don't think I'll ever be fully capable of understanding the unconditional kindness he has extended to me.

He's speaking again. "I forgave you that day in the hospital, Jim," he finishes.

"Why?" I ask, my blue eyes seeking answers from within my partner's own blue depths.

Blair seems to consider the question thoughtfully. Then he lifts his other hand, placing it on my other cheek so he cradles my face, and I wonder if he knows it's how I touched him at the fountain. "Because our friendship is worth so much to me I wouldn't let it go that easily. Because I knew the only way I could go on was to forgive you," he says softly. He looks deeply into my eyes before continuing. "Because I love you, and I knew--"

"--that I love you," I finish. The quiet smile that spreads across his face tells me I spoke the words he needed to hear.

Hesitantly, I reach up and place my hands on Blair's face in a mirrored gesture, much like I did on that fateful day. I feel the wetness again, though this time it is my friend's tears against my hands. The pure forgiveness I see in Blair's eyes and feel in Blair's touch washes over my burden of guilt like a healing salve on my broken soul, simultaneously burning and soothing me.

Much as I try, I can't completely fathom the magnitude of this pardon. I can only accept it as a powerful mystery of our friendship. And I know it will transform me in a way nothing else ever can, bonding my life with Blair's in an unbreakable connection only shared life and death can impart. We truly do share life and death now, and I remember the vision of our spirit guides merging together in one eternal flash that will remain a part of both our memories forever -- a metaphor more beautiful and profound in its nature than any I have ever known.

We look into each other's eyes for a while longer. Then I feel Blair pulling me toward himself, reaching his arms around me in a full embrace. I draw my own arms around his body as well, feeling our tear-streaked faces press together. A soft sigh breaks free from within as I feel the blessed warmth of Blair's body against my own, so joyfully different from ... before. Slowly, that warmth spreads between and around us, inside and outside, chasing away the residual chill of separation. We hold each other in an ultimate gesture of comfort, and I feel true healing beginning within me.

When the sun sends down its first morning rays signaling a new day for us, we are asleep but still in each other's arms. We do not know what the future holds, but one thing is certain.

Wherever we go, we will go together. As friends.

I still don't get all the mystical sentinel stuff, but it doesn't matter.

Because the mystery of our friendship transcends it all.

~ The End ~